I haven’t gotten to your emails, not a single one of them….
I am working all weekend and I will.
I am shooting Rachel Monday and a couple of you have custom inquiries I know.
I’m failing pretty miserably at keeping up on things right now. Who am I kidding, like usual. My hope is to hire some help….oh but trustworthy, open minded, smart, reliable not so well paid help is a bit harder to find for people that run fetish websites and lingerie websites and do sessions in the midwest. It is also hard to let go of some of these little jobs.
It is soooo complicated.
On a happy note in 4.5 hours I get to do a walk through of my home to be. The people are out, now we just have to approve the condition before closing… I’m so freaking thrilled about this. I know for many working 12-16 hour days and never feeling like you’ve accomplished much is a normal way of life for soooo many. I know I have other options. I am happy that I get to do things I enjoy for a living. I also know I leave some of people angry, frustrated or hurt because I don’t have time to engage with you properly. I hate to be rude or thoughtless or seem stuck up but I am truly struggling at having any kind of balance. I don’t even know what that word means anymore. Maybe some of you can understand on some other kind of level. I know so many of you fantasize about doing what I do for a living, or even just for fun and that so many of you don’t have people to talk to about your love for bondage, vintage lingerie or cross dressing and I am surrounded by those types often. I just wish that I had time to rest, recharge, think ahead, get this pigsty studio in order, finish projects, keep promises I mean to keep, plan out clips before we say action. It would be lovely instead of rush, rush, rush running on empty and never accomplishing enough or getting things done to my liking. I’m always embarrassed about something and I’m always falling just short of something good in every aspect of life. Nothing is complete.
It is like a strange addiction, this need to keep adding to my list of jobs….this need to exhaust myself which makes me nasty to my loved one and withdrawn from others. I do my (personal) best but it is never enough and people are always disappointed and waiting. If I could only have 12 more hours a day. Meanwhile I’m not fulfilling my work tasks the way I want to and my personal life is practically nonexistent (aside from Tony and visiting models of course) and I am not healthy. I see these things CLEARLY yet keep adding to my list of things to do. I KNOW there is adult onset ADD at work here and a serious sleep disorder but there is something else too. I don’t understand this compulsion to add more and more tasks to my world. I don’t think I do it just to bitch about it. I really don’t. I’m 37, I’m not a mom and never will be, never wanted to be (assumed around 30 I would WANT to be). Am I trying to be the busy mom without momming? Do I not think I deserve a life outside of this building because I took the easy way out and didn’t make babies? We’ve been crashing here again for two weeks because why bother going home. Do I just want to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think about life? I don’t know, but I am really sorry to those of you that I inadvertently hurt whether it be by not responding or just posting a shitty video, being snarky, forgetful or whatever.
On one hand I am the most open person in the world, at least face to face. On the other hand I have a fortress around me and if you didn’t get in long ago it is pretty dang hard to get in but mostly because of the lack of time. I don’t even know my own friends anymore.
There is a saying that goes something like- don’t get so consumed with making a living that you forget to make a life. I got it when I had my vanilla career of course but for me now it just has a complicated meaning. I thought I was making a life when I started doing the things I love for a living. Then I had the good fortune of earning enough to surround myself with the things I love that help me make a living, but now it all just seems a mess- messes everywhere. My messes and other peoples messes.
I created these issues myself. Each day I wake up thinking today will be the day that it all starts coming together, but then I just create more issues for myself. It is madness and I apologize- to you guys and actually to myself.
I do get to experience my home to be on the water shortly. That is pretty fucking magical even though it is going to be one hell of a project- ha! I believe a forever home is a worthy excuse of a project…
I imagine a doctor would fill me with anxiety and or ADD meds to chill me the fuck out but what fun would that be at this point?
Seriously, tell me how great it is to be medicated and that it won’t cause as many long term health problems as the actual ADD, anxiety and sleep disorder.
Please don’t tell me too much about trying natural supplements though. There are a few things I am very, very happy with. I will share them here when I am doing the last video this weekend, here on this journal update. Maybe they could benefit some of you.
Now, now, no worries. I am not clinically depressed and I am still going, going, going. Your third video will be Adara, a naughty one!
Goodnight from me and good morning to the normal folks!
Happy weekend to those of you that it has some meaning to 😉
~JJ